Ask this ONE question to preserve the connection with your child in any situation

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Transcript:

You guys. It's hard to be a modern parent. Aside from all of the things that we can buy and use, let's just focus on the psychology, the mentality of how to raise mentally healthy kids. I am such a huge advocate for this. I'm so glad that there's more tension now placed on how to mindfully, thoughtfully, intentionally, raise our kids, and raise resilient mentally healthy, happy kids. At the same time, it's become incredibly complex. There are so many scripts out there. Everyone has a script and I've read most of them, I think a lot of them are wonderful. But at a certain point, I'm beginning to feel some stress over the sheer volume of it. With all the lists and things we're trying to keep in our mind, I think it might be hard for a lot of us to accurately repeat and remember all the different scripts for the different situations.

So I've spent some time sitting here thinking about how can we distill this into one usable nugget? You take all the books, all the videos, all the concepts attachment parenting, connection-based parenting, all those wonderful things. How can we make it a way of life rather than a million more things to remember? I think I've done it. I think I might be onto something here because there's one question I found that encompasses all of them. Its one question that you can ask yourself in any situation and it should give you an organic script that comes from you that would work for your child. And that question is, does your child feel understood by you? Or to ask yourself, does my child feel understood by me? I found this really helpful. Its even a yes or no question. And to me, it's the summary of am I preserving this connection? Am I deepening this bond? Am I seeing my child's at in the moment for who he or she is? In fact, this can be used for any relationship. Does my husband feel understood by me? Does my friend feel understood and seen by me? I think it's deceivingly simple, but to get there, for this answer to be yes, my child feels understood by me, takes a couple of steps. And this I feel as a very- its a living script. You don't have to memorize it. You can just ask yourself this question.

So the steps that I found that can help starts with 1, checking your assumptions. Before even thinking, do they feel understood by me? Ask, what is my understanding? Looking at this behavior or the situation, the way they're being, what do I think is going on? They're throwing a tantrum, why do I think they're doing that? They are not doing their homework, they're not eating their vegetables, they are yelling, destroying things, whatever it is. Why do I think they're doing that? It's not about even deciding if you are right about your thinking but just acknowledge that you have your own opinions and you have your own instinctive understanding of the situation. And then we think, is that correct? Does my child feel understood by my understanding?

I think an important step number 2 is to ask questions. After acknowledging whatever it is you're thinking, just check if it's true. Identify what you see and ask them what's going on. "Hey, it looks like you're really upset about this, can you tell me more?" "Hey, I see that you're not happy that we can't do this. Can you tell me what's the most upsetting to you?" Again, there's no one script here. I'm not trying to give you actually more scripts but ask.

Number 3, listen. Listen in a way that is not only active but in a way that you're willing to change your mind. If you think that they are behaving a certain way because of one reason and they're telling you something else, be willing to believe them and change your mind. And a lot of times, I think we really learn something new at this step. We think, "Oh, you actually not upset about the ice cream, you're upset that you thought we were going to spend the afternoon together. You're afraid, you might not see me for a couple days because I'm taking a trip." More often than not, at least in the beginning, I think our assumptions are often wrong and it's wonderful to be surprised by what's actually being shared.

Number 4, no judgment. Once they tell you what it is on their mind respect that, thank them for sharing, and show them still that you have unconditional love and acceptance of them. Even if that feeling is bad, especially if that feeling is bad. "Hey, I really appreciate you telling me that you were jealous of your sister. That's why you did that. I totally understand that. I love you and let's think of a way to make it better." To me our entire goal in maintaining a connection with someone is so that they feel understood by us. It's one of the most valuable feelings that we can give another human being. It's the only way to connect really. And kids are just like anyone else. Sometimes we sacrifice that understanding with our kids because we're so focused on getting them to do a certain thing or be a certain way. But it's a big risk to risk having your kids feel misunderstood by you. That's also one of the worst feelings that your parent, that your mom and dad, don't get who you are. They're not willing to listen to your side and your experience. That's how a kid can feel not seen, not heard. That's where all of the rest of the issues start.

I really do think most of the scripts out there about how to communicate with your kids actually do have the same reason. But rather than memorizing that, I would recommend you just memorize the question, does my child to feel understood by me? And if you can get to yes, more often than not, your child feels understood by you. Here are the long-term benefits. Number 1, you avoid misdirecting energy. A lot of energy can be spent on behavior that's actually seeking connection. For toddlers, for example, a lot of the boundary testing behavior or tantrums, they're seeking connection with you and it comes out in "problem behavior". That's a misdirecting of energy. Of course it will always happen. But if we can keep in mind and attitude of trying to understand, I think we can minimize that and use energy towards building an understanding rather than dealing with a behavior that's downstream of that misunderstanding. That sentence was way too convoluted. So what I mean is we can focus on building something we want rather than dealing with something that's caused by something we don't want. Given a finite amount of energy and patience that we have, by having a conversation where we try to understand each other, I think it's much more productive than dealing with the bad behavior that comes from feeling not understood. Of course, people are not going to be ready for this conversation. Probably at the height of their emotion and you can wait for them to calm down a little bit and especially if you establish a pattern of communicating like this, it will happen more and more organically. Your child might get into the practice of opening up more and more easily when they consistently feel like you're listening, you're not judging and you're offering your love unconditionally. So number 1 is avoiding that misdirected energy.

Number 2, by preserving the connection is the only way to have actual authority. You know how sometimes we see those kinds of parents where they can look a certain way or just give a very subtle hint and their child, we adjust, whatever they were doing. That's a sign of a relationship that has very good connection. Children are born with the desire to please their parents. I mean, when they're baby, they want to preserve that connection at all cost. But if the connection is repeatedly broken too many times, without it there's actually no authority. If the child has withdrawn or they've given up on building this, then whether or not you're pleased by their behavior, matters less to them. The more you're able to build the connection and keep it solid and build trust and understanding, then when you have an opinion or when you want to redirect your child, the more effective it is. Again, it's the same in other relationships, in marriages, friendships. If you share a close connection, then the other person's wants and desires and opinions, all matter a lot more.

Lastly, the 3rd benefit, which is really a benefit for us, for the parents, is that it gives you the best chance of staying with the authentic version of who your child is. We all tell ourselves stories and I think it's such a shame if we lose sight of who our child really is, because it can happen if there's a lot of distracting behaviors and problems in the way. We can spend years misunderstanding the problem to be caused by one thing because we didn't spend the time to understand their perspective. I think it's really a precious privilege to keep this conversation going so that you as your child grows, you keep sight of who they are. And I am- you can call me an idealist but I believe in the inherent good of people, of kids. I believe there are needs, unsatisfied needs beneath bad behavior. We can really preserve the goodness of our kids and our goodwill towards them by putting their behavior in the context of what's actually going on with them and we get to joy that connection with their authentic self.